I heard her shout…

I have a real life.  I am real. Living breathing feeling thinking.

You fill my mind and my time.

I wonder what you do and what you want.

A furrowed brow and twisted mouth betray your concentration and thoughts of others.

The previous, the ones before, the ones who got away, the ones who fell away, the ones who wouldn’t stay.

This one was pretty, this one was hot, this one was crazy; now you are all I have got.

I share you around,

my toy in which to play.

A place where rules are non rules, limits are limitless and greed is good.

Politeness, coyness and togetherness are weak, boring and human…mere human.

You want more, demand more, expect more and why the hell not.

It is what you have always done, always will, nothing will never ever be enough.

I love your hunger, I love your pain, I love your craving and we go round again.

Too much too soon, not enough too little.

Rubbing hard, scrubbing away until we become brittle.

Then back to the softness, the weak, the innocent.

The fluff and the fancy, vulnerable magnificent.

I hate you, I love you, I forget sometimes

That you, are where darkness lies

Your heart is black, your soul scratched

A devil you are, but what a catch

You play at submission, you play at being nice

I beat you, your feigned compliance is to entice

I see what you do, I know you too well

We pretend that we are both under the spell

Sometimes you nearly crack and I see the real man

The little boy, lost and all alone

A spoilt brat maybe, not enough love shown

Or maybe you are, what I always expected you to be

Nothing more than a filthy pervert, like me

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Feeling your warmth and your hardness.

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I never want to let you go, never ever ever for I am selfish and greedy and want you all to myself. To sit the shadows of my gold box, hidden in the creases of the folded satin that has been laid out to protect me, and cosset me from the harsh realities of the world. I want you to have to hold your breath, my finger pushed to your lips, telling you not to move a muscle as you hide beneath the folded fabric.

A nice person would open the box and kiss your hand as you clamber out, wave good bye as you run for freedom. But I am not nice, I am greedy and wanton, I want to cut off your wings so that you cannot flutter out, I want to blindfold you so that you do not know if the box is open or closed. I want to snuggle up against your warmth and feel your hardness, tasting you and making you hunger for me, for eternity.

The one who got away but actually worse for I never left, I was there lurking within you, holding you back, tainting all relationships and hopes for happiness all dashed as my toxic love for you, malforms and misshapes all that is good.

Yes, I want you in my gold box with me and me in my gold box in your heart for all eternity – an unrequited love but worse for there is no poetry or romance in the longing and yearning and hunger only pain and suffering.

I want to ensnare you with my love, pour my sticky, sweet, nectar onto you and then protect you from the flies and wasps that will be drawn to you. Of course it is not protection really it is control, entrapment, selfish, greedy, suffocating, damaging love that I wish to suffocate you with.

Time in her Clinic.

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When alone with a man; him standing before her, she paused and waited. In no hurry she watched and waited. He is all alone, vulnerable and frozen to the spot under her gaze.

She watched and waited for the chinks to appear. Little teeny tiny holes at first. Some continue to expand, growing into fist sized tears, other holes remain small. Like bullet holes of vulnerability in his suit of armour.

She walked towards him looking into his eyes; they are sad, scared, full of shame and confusion. Circling each wound with her finger, tracing the raw edges and feeling the soreness under her gentle touch. She dipped in a finger, touching the delicate person inside; pulling out and tasting the essence of the human that is waiting for her to heal. He flinches and braces himself as she pushed her whole hand in through a large raw wound.

Here together in this room she strokes his pain. She made him feel whole, clean and normal….for a while.
Here in this room there are only her rules, she set the limits, he submits and becomes free. He can be honest and find release. Here in this room there are no secrets, there are no lies, there are no hidden boxes. They are base,  only animals…their true selves.

She dried his eyes and mopped his brow as the exertion of being honest is nearly too much to bear. On opening his eyes he feels everything will be alright, he can function; he can continue…he is at peace for the first time since he last stood before me.
It is time for him to go, she kisses his sweet lying mouth, bending down to lick the edge of each and every wound, pinching the skin together; the wound seals. He is ready to go back and into the world, his friends, his life; knowing that she, the only one who knows all of him and loves him as her own damaged boy.

Come with Me.

You kneel before me. Her marks on your body; dribbling the liquid paint that signposted her being there. But, she has gone now, and all that you have left is me and I you. She filled the air, the space, the room. Her suffocating presence enclosed and enveloped us both. But now she is gone.

I sit back and gaze upon you. Your breathing returning to normal, the feeling coming back into your body, you are coming back to reality. The floor now hard under your knees and her tear marks are beginning to become sore as the body fights to heal itself.

Her job is done and you are now healing ; outside-in. My job, however is to take you further, take you to the places that you do not wish to go. In my reality there is no subspace surrender for you; only real life pain, no acceptance, no zone, no atonement for crimes once committed. Just you and I. You, are nearly spent, exhausted and broken whereas for me; my working day is just starting. I am refreshed, energised and aroused.

I sit and watch you uncoil and then recoil, as you realise it has only just begun. Your eyes blinking in the light that shines in from the now open window shutters. You have been safe in your dark world. Your dark world; eyes jammed shut. Your dark world, where you could cope with and expect dark things.

Now, it is time for the light, the reprieve, the rapture of the sun on your back, the rivulets of sweat drying and crisping in her gouges. Together my love, we will walk in the light, I will take you, you will be safe with me…I promise. Or maybe not safe, but safe in the knowledge that now is the time for you to take off your heavy armour, free yourself and then you will fly…fly into the light….Come with me.

“Come with me…Come with me…Now!” Pulling on your chain; you lurch forward from the wrists, the metal bracelets, heavy, bruising but so lovely on you. That blissful feeling of being yanked. “Come with me…come with me now!” I am standing, pulling your chain, your arms out-stretched in front, you clamber to your feet, falling forward and stumbling. That blissful feeling of being yanked into life. I see your erection and know that I am on task.

“Come with me now!” I am walking to the door, only one pair of footsteps on the stone floor; my boots, your naked feet make no sound. On opening the door, turning to smile I see your angelic face. Pale and ghostly, your eyes hollow and sunken; yet you manage to give me the most beautiful smile…you always do and it makes me happy.

“Come with me now!” I pull on the chain, tripping down the stairs you are out onto the gravel. I pull you up and we walk in silence; listening to the birds chattering about their day and the bees gossiping about the Queen. I am kind, I know that I am kind…it feels ok. It is nice to be nice, so I allow you to walk on the grass, I see the relief in your eyes as you step onto the cool wetness.

“Come with me my love” At the top of the cliff we make love, “Come to me my love” The warm sun upon your back, your sticky blood under my nails. “Cum with me my love, before she comes back for you”.

How it feels to have three things deep inside.

 

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I have three things inside; The Beast, The Intellect and then there is ME grappling with the leashes of those other two.

It is the ME that is vulnerable.

If I stand behind The Beast or The Intellect then I cannot be touched. They are my guard dogs, my attack dogs, my guide dogs.

Like wolves pulling a sled, I sit tucked up in fur, a frozen Queen wishing to thaw.

I wave at the icy serfs, the starving slaves and the lost changelings who all try to stay close at the entrance of my Kingdom. I call “To the ghosts, the lonely, the needy and greedy – Let them eat cunt!”